Crack open the hellsite that is LinkedIn on any given day and you’ll be confronted with an infinite scroll of complete arseholes and no-marks cluttering the feed with their rabid proclamations about various bits of hardware, software and “you need to read this” best practice.

Have a rummage around on countless other sites or just have a casual flick around YouTube, and you’ll find them there too: draining their mind-testes all over your screen like chimpanzees amped up on PCP at a swinging party.

Every single one of them can get into the sea for all I care, for they are the living, mouth-breathing epitome of everything fucked within the tech industry.

Under a thin veneer of vaguely technical babble, they bleat on deliriously about why everyone else hasn’t yet seen the light about the particular piece of marketing-dressed-up-as-reality that they’re getting sponsored to whine on about.

I say sponsored, but this isn’t entirely accurate: a large proportion of them (those not currently in the employ of some world-destroying corporate hegemony) scribble their inane, rambling shitposts with the sole intention of garnering attention and clicks. The needy, grifting bastards.

Often, the relationship they actually have with real technology and the engineering underpinning it is directly analogous with the relationship a five year old child with their Scalextric has with a Formula One driver.

Get to fuck with them.